Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005:
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
'Employee of the month' is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud: "I've already got one!"
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.